i have to make my manuscript.

wala na ko kasabot sa akoang sarili. nauga akong utok naunsa naman ko oy. nabugo na ko? gusto lang ko matulog i am so sad and lonely. i feel so alone. tapos kagahapon pajud no kabalo ka, daghan kaayo ko gipang-chat daghan kaayo ko ug gipang ingnan but apparently walay gusto mutabang sa akoa. lisoda oy, pag walay tao gusto mag tabang sa imuha. walay gusto makauban ka, maskig imuhang uyab dili gusto na sabay mo magbuhat para lang gud dili ka maka feel ug loneliness na ikaw lang isa. gusto nako mag uli sa balay na makita among iring among iro. actually na miss nako si kuya. wala na hinoon koy kauban. gusto ko ug kastorya. gusto nako naay magtabang kutob sa iyahang makaya. kanang ihatag sa akoa tanan. pero unsaon na ako ra man isa. ako raman jud isa.

maong sunod semester muuli nagyud ko sa balay. para dili nako sige expect sa ubang tao na kesho gusto nako kauban i can be happy with my self i am ready for this change. dili naman pod ni bago sa akoa. besides i have always been alone in my life gikan sa una. karon wa na gyud ako nalang jud isa. naremember nako tong ingon sa una na makita lang nimo imuhang mga real friends ug katong mga tao na real sa imuha sa mga panahong nag hihingalo ka. sa karon wala koy makita na kahit kinsa.

ako lang.

magpasalamat nalang pod siguro ko ani na opportunity kay nakabalo ko na dili jud to sila good para sa akoa. kato sila russel ug randall naa pod silay kanya kanyang kinabuhi. dili napod ko ganahan kaayo makipaghalobilo sa mga ubang tao karon. gusto nalang ko mag isa. kayanon lang nako ni. hunahunaon lang nako na nakaya man gani ni joevince? ako pa kaya. kayanon pod nako ni. kabalo ko na kaya nako. ngano man diay ug wala si gary? wala sila russel. wala si randall. wala si biebs. basta dili lang ko mawala sa akoang sarili.

i am strong.

kabalo man ko ana dugay na.

i am independent.

kabalo pod ko ana. dugay na.

i am capable.

kabalo pod ko ana.
kabalo ko ana tanan pero naa jud ani na mga time na makahilak nalang ko. kay ako lang isa. lungkota diay pag ikaw ikaw ra oy. pero mas lungkot siguro kung naa ko didto pero kato kay mga walay klaro. hapit na akong birthday baya. 23 days nalang mag 22 nako.

ang ipana nindot na natun-an nako karon maskig in the hard way kay. sometimes you just have to keep going. sometimes its gonna be hard. most of the time it will feel painful. its sad. but you just have to struggle and keep fighting. kay diba? ana gani si miley cyrus flor? there's gonna be another mountain you'll always gonna make it move. always gonna be an uphill battle. sometimes you gonna have to loose. this time you have only lost people. people na importante sa imuha pero dili jud necessary na kailangan nimo.

nahurot na tanan imuhang bridges? make a new one. make a better one. search for the truest people, those people na kabalo ka will be there for you. not those who have tangible connections. okay? hilak sa gud ka karon? normal lang man maghilak hilak diba? tama na ng depressed mood flor. lilipas din to. dili ta musuko. kabalo na baya ka gikan sa una daghan na kaayo ta ug naagian? diba?

memories of the past? katong mga panahon na abi nato dili nato kaya? pero in the end flor, nalampasan lang man gihapon nimo. tapos awa o. flor 22 na ka. diba sa una never did you expect na muabot ka maskig 15? 'cause you always prayed na sana mawala na ka? but you took one step at a time and 7 years later you're better you're stronger. you're much wiser. you're beautiful. i know 'cause i am you. weird kay ikaw nalang naga palakas sa imuhang sarili but who cares diba? some people have different ways to handle things.

and ayaw jd ug undang sa pagsulat sa imuhang journal flor. kay gwapo kaayo to na theraphy. para mawala imuhang stress. sige lang flor. always have a kind heart. be generous maskig wala sila naging generous sa imuha it's okay. you're okay. wala man ka naguba. you're just not feeling well karon but you're okay.  cry it all out. sakit man jud maputlan ug connection but you have to bear the pain.

kabalo ko kagahapon, diba? unconsciously kabalo ko ginahuna huna gihapon to nimo tong mga giingon nila sa imuha or kahit tong actions lang nila. bahala na na sila oy. hush, flor kaya ni nimo. motivate yourself. pag nahuman nimo ni karon no, manan-aw ta atong secret life of pets. bahalag ikaw ra isa. ngano man diay? sa una man gani diba hilig man ka mag-tanaw sine after nimo mag grocery tong highschool? haha. tan-aw man gani ka atong avatar. ikaw raman isa pero ok raman ka. ayaw isipa na naay nawala or naay mawala. nawalaan lang ka ug tinik ug responsibilidad but in the end. it's okay. it'll be okay. ikaw pa.

23 days later today. mag 22 na ka.oh diba?

all for love.  

kapoya na oy.

kapoy na kaayo ko. kung pwede lang mawala na. dayun

thesis mayhem

this morning daghan kaayo ko ug buhatonon as in. i need tons and tons of stuff. hay, see? i told myself sa una pa na wala jud koy mapala but i dare not listen. hay, so once again i was left in the ground gasping for help but that specific person did came but he only looked at me, he never helped.

so mura kog mamatay ato, pero gitan-aw lang ko niya. but i have to end this right here. need not to compromise to something na dili enough para sa akoa. kung feeling niya na ok lang to iyahang ginabuhat, dili siya okay. ug ako i need to focus. i will finish doing his design 9 somethings. not sure if he'll do the same for me. but i guess i need to tell him the truth na sakit na kaayo and i need some time to think if i want this. kay mao lang man gihapon alone man gihapon ko and nothing will ever change sa akoa being alone forever. 

sa karon na realize nako na i am not afraid to be alone. i have been doing it all my life. i think this is best para sa akoang growth. i am not afraid to suffer, i am not afraid of change. i am not afraid of losing something that has already been lost. i don't want to compromise. i want something that i know i deserve. i don't want something good or well i want the best, i deserve the best.

i want someone strong. stronger than me. more mature. more dominant. kanang poste jud na gusto nako naa pirmi, responsible ug maasahan, someone like that. pero sa karon dili pa ko makakita ana. kay bata pa ko, i need to focus on the things that should matter in this moment first. then probably i will see that person, i will meet him ------ or not, seems okay to me. 

sa karon dili nako gusto ug uyab uyab, dili ko gusto kay kalas kalas sa puso, kalas kalas ug emotion, kalas kalas sa tanan. i want to be alone with my thoughts, with myself ---- sober ko. i don't want someone who cannot be responsible sa akoa.

i'm writing in the pc so this must be serious. meeeh.

argh, here i go again with so many freaking thoughts about how i should tell anyone, anything. ghad, i'm pathetic as hell. so today just like any other day i realized i was totally doing it and might actually finish the job. i am afraid though that i might sacrifice many things that i cannot gain again. but guess what, perhaps i was made ready for the change. kailangan lang siguro nako irealize na fuck this life and dili najud ko mag compromise sa mga tao na wala man lang pakealam o wala man lang care kung na okay na ba o wala pa. sala jud ni nako siguro sa akong batasan na all in kaayo. lupig pa ang bangko sa paghatag mura bag dili ma bankrupt. truth is. gikapoy na ko.

ngano man pod ba. well siguro dili para sa akoa. siguro, siguro, siguro - mas maayo kung ako ra isa dili ko masakitan ug dili ko mag expect na iprioritize pod ko. dili man gani ko maprioritize sa akoang ginikanan sa ubang tao pa kaha? siguro i was made to be alone. to share things to others. sige lang i have to keep myself comfortable and distance myself para dili ko sige emote. tama na ang kahangalan. mag draft na ko. goodnight. i guess.

6:26 AM

sakit na kaayo akoang likod ahrgh. but i must persevere kailangan mahuman nako kailangan makahuman ko. 

this is it. i have to sacrifice, sleep, food, anything except my sanity and love for God. this will be the last time i'm gonna do it. bantay lang na sila!

aaaargh. keep the fire burning!

matulog nako oy. goodnight. kay kailangan makamata ko unya plano nako magpalit pagkaon sa nccc express para naa ko kaunon karong mga panahuna. chill and keep going. bahala'g wala si gary. bahala'g ako ra isa. the cold never bothered me anyway. hahaha. ganern pak!

taking a poop while typing.

today, will be a very very very busy day for me. i hope gary will come to help me with my plans and my sketchup model. seems like i cannot sleep, might as well not 'cause it's already 7 AM. my stomach hurts so bad because of the tea i drank yesterday. btw, it's the one that'll make you poop after 8 hours. 

still have stuff to do and the rat in my room is so annoying, lami na kaayo patyon. hated them so much for entering my room and pestering me ALWAYS. hated these damn rats, and i can't get a pet cat 'cause gary has an allergy and the place is not condusive in raising kittens. i know, 'cause i tried. but it's not cool. idk why tho, maybe because it's so dark and gloomy inside. either way i need to go. so, jaa matta ne! 

the return of the "meeeh"

so, my last post was telling all the world that i was broke. ambot kung naunsa to. anyway, i will just give you something na wala lang para maka share lang pod ko karon. sa tinuod lang kapoy akong lawas kaganina pero karon dili napod ko katulogon. tapos, nagingon ko na maligo ko, pero wala gyud ko naligo, wala pod ko nagbuhat sa chapter 2, wala pod ko nag edit ug maskig unsang akoa. kabalo ka unsa akong gibuhat? nagbuhat ko ug post para kay gary.

hala. karon lang ko nakarealize na, hawod naman diay ko mag type. wala na koy tan-aw tan-aw sa keyboard! sa una pangarap lang nako ni pero look, wow. nabuhat jud diay nako no? na maging paspas ug hawod mag type. wala lang. sana maging wide reader pod ko. ug specially maging hawod na storry teller and architect and hawod magrender. ambot haha.

but i wanted to be remembered as a story teller. sure ko maattain ragyud nako na siya sa tamang panahon. kabalo ko i should just start now. dugay ang process pero hinay hinay. wala lang. unya mamalengke pa diay ko ug dili nako pwede magpa-unya unya kay masuko na tong akong papa na delay nako ug pila ka adlaw. nawrong nagyud ko. dapat mga 8AM naa nako sa balay ana. kay wala pay tao ug wala pa silang tanan. gusto lang jud nako makatipid pag mabayaran na nako tanan utang makaipon nagyud ko. unta.

in Jesus name! wala lang. hey, nagkuha napod ko design wala koy choice i need to take the risk and move forward. pero this time i will finish the race. i promise. this time i will never let you down.