thesis mayhem

this morning daghan kaayo ko ug buhatonon as in. i need tons and tons of stuff. hay, see? i told myself sa una pa na wala jud koy mapala but i dare not listen. hay, so once again i was left in the ground gasping for help but that specific person did came but he only looked at me, he never helped.

so mura kog mamatay ato, pero gitan-aw lang ko niya. but i have to end this right here. need not to compromise to something na dili enough para sa akoa. kung feeling niya na ok lang to iyahang ginabuhat, dili siya okay. ug ako i need to focus. i will finish doing his design 9 somethings. not sure if he'll do the same for me. but i guess i need to tell him the truth na sakit na kaayo and i need some time to think if i want this. kay mao lang man gihapon alone man gihapon ko and nothing will ever change sa akoa being alone forever. 

sa karon na realize nako na i am not afraid to be alone. i have been doing it all my life. i think this is best para sa akoang growth. i am not afraid to suffer, i am not afraid of change. i am not afraid of losing something that has already been lost. i don't want to compromise. i want something that i know i deserve. i don't want something good or well i want the best, i deserve the best.

i want someone strong. stronger than me. more mature. more dominant. kanang poste jud na gusto nako naa pirmi, responsible ug maasahan, someone like that. pero sa karon dili pa ko makakita ana. kay bata pa ko, i need to focus on the things that should matter in this moment first. then probably i will see that person, i will meet him ------ or not, seems okay to me. 

sa karon dili nako gusto ug uyab uyab, dili ko gusto kay kalas kalas sa puso, kalas kalas ug emotion, kalas kalas sa tanan. i want to be alone with my thoughts, with myself ---- sober ko. i don't want someone who cannot be responsible sa akoa.