kapoya na oy.

kapoy na kaayo ko. kung pwede lang mawala na. dayun

thesis mayhem

this morning daghan kaayo ko ug buhatonon as in. i need tons and tons of stuff. hay, see? i told myself sa una pa na wala jud koy mapala but i dare not listen. hay, so once again i was left in the ground gasping for help but that specific person did came but he only looked at me, he never helped.

so mura kog mamatay ato, pero gitan-aw lang ko niya. but i have to end this right here. need not to compromise to something na dili enough para sa akoa. kung feeling niya na ok lang to iyahang ginabuhat, dili siya okay. ug ako i need to focus. i will finish doing his design 9 somethings. not sure if he'll do the same for me. but i guess i need to tell him the truth na sakit na kaayo and i need some time to think if i want this. kay mao lang man gihapon alone man gihapon ko and nothing will ever change sa akoa being alone forever. 

sa karon na realize nako na i am not afraid to be alone. i have been doing it all my life. i think this is best para sa akoang growth. i am not afraid to suffer, i am not afraid of change. i am not afraid of losing something that has already been lost. i don't want to compromise. i want something that i know i deserve. i don't want something good or well i want the best, i deserve the best.

i want someone strong. stronger than me. more mature. more dominant. kanang poste jud na gusto nako naa pirmi, responsible ug maasahan, someone like that. pero sa karon dili pa ko makakita ana. kay bata pa ko, i need to focus on the things that should matter in this moment first. then probably i will see that person, i will meet him ------ or not, seems okay to me. 

sa karon dili nako gusto ug uyab uyab, dili ko gusto kay kalas kalas sa puso, kalas kalas ug emotion, kalas kalas sa tanan. i want to be alone with my thoughts, with myself ---- sober ko. i don't want someone who cannot be responsible sa akoa.

i'm writing in the pc so this must be serious. meeeh.

argh, here i go again with so many freaking thoughts about how i should tell anyone, anything. ghad, i'm pathetic as hell. so today just like any other day i realized i was totally doing it and might actually finish the job. i am afraid though that i might sacrifice many things that i cannot gain again. but guess what, perhaps i was made ready for the change. kailangan lang siguro nako irealize na fuck this life and dili najud ko mag compromise sa mga tao na wala man lang pakealam o wala man lang care kung na okay na ba o wala pa. sala jud ni nako siguro sa akong batasan na all in kaayo. lupig pa ang bangko sa paghatag mura bag dili ma bankrupt. truth is. gikapoy na ko.

ngano man pod ba. well siguro dili para sa akoa. siguro, siguro, siguro - mas maayo kung ako ra isa dili ko masakitan ug dili ko mag expect na iprioritize pod ko. dili man gani ko maprioritize sa akoang ginikanan sa ubang tao pa kaha? siguro i was made to be alone. to share things to others. sige lang i have to keep myself comfortable and distance myself para dili ko sige emote. tama na ang kahangalan. mag draft na ko. goodnight. i guess.